To anyone interested in reading this story or accepting my scary cat: I’m a normal girl who just celebrated my 29th birthday. I’m a classical violinist and an animal lover. I have three dogs and three cats. I definitely don’t consider myself a cat lady, but I do love my cats because they’re funnier and more intelligent than most people. Plus they make handsome throw rugs and door stops. When you walk into my house, you wouldn’t think, “Wow, this girl loves animals.” It’s just a normal house with a neutral couch, a throw pillow or two, paintings, some family photos, candles, plants, some bookshelves, a TV, etc. Nothing really out of the ordinary except a music stand and one really fat cat in particular that does not appear to be domestic but more like the result of a hippo-panther porn film.
Someone in my extended family, who shall remain nameless, found the PERFECT (in another dimension) birthday gift for me. It is a large, stuffed fake cat (as opposed to a real stuffed cat, because that would be even sicker). This isn’t any ordinary stuffed cat. It is covered in musical print. That’s right. Music notes, the occasional treble clef, and quarter rests. Because OBVIOUSLY a violin playing animal lover would LOVE a stuffed cat covered in music, right? Right? No. Not right.
This cat is scary. Its paws are painted on in heart shapes with puffy paint. I didn’t even know puffy paint still existed. I used that stuff when I was in 6th grade to match my tight rolled jeans, bad perm, and Blossom hats. Ok, back to the cat. Its neck and tail are accented with a big gold ribbon. Personally, any of my cats would bite my face off if I ever tried to tie a gold ribbon around its tail. So, anyway, this stuffed cat smells like cigarette smoke. Strongly. Like it has been a chain smoker for a minimum of 23 years. Its eyes look demonic, and its smile reminds me of Alice in Wonderland if you’re hitting the crack pipe. This cat is heavy, and I’m pretty sure there is an entity inside. Looking at it now, it looks like a huge piece of pizza dough that was topped in puffy paint, force fed to a piece of sheet music, thrown up inside a cigarette stand, and then sold in a garage sale by the lucky pimp who found it.
This cat is tagged with “original by JUDYBONE.” This Judybone character is one sick person. She works out of Colorado, assuming that this was a local garage/craft sale purchase by “purchaser in my extended family who shall remain nameless.” In fact, if you trace Judybone, you might just stumble upon Osama bin Laden. She very well could be an Al Qaeda mastermind herself. She probably writes love letters and sends possessed stuffed cats to serial killers on death row. Who knows where this cat has been, really.
I am attaching pictures of the scary cat, as well as one of my hippo-panther porn cat, because I know you’re dying of curiosity now. If you would like to purchase this cat, make me an offer. You must prove to me that you have taken the proper precautions before bringing this cat into your home including having good health insurance for the lung cancer you will most certainly develop from the second hand smoke. You must also have a saved soul because the entity inside this cat is probably looking for a more pleasant smelling host with real teeth and claws that are not made of puffy paint.
CL post submitted by: Hillary Oxley